Oh boy, do I have an awesome post today. I've struggled with talking about this for a while but I feel that it's a good time to do so. Who's ready for story time? Grab a snack, and read on.
For about 7 years now I've had such a hard struggle with my mind. I wouldn't consider myself depressed, but definitely broken. After a series of events that happened when I was 17, I snapped. I rebelled until I was able to move to college, which I had chosen the school farthest away that I was accepted to (FSU), was dropped off a week early in the middle of a hurricane and both of my roommates wouldn't have shown up until the day before school starts.
I was lonely, Briam and I didn't know what we were, and there was a freaking hurricane! This was the beginning of me losing my mind. I would spend my days crying and hiding in my room. My dad and I argued continuously, I stopped speaking to my stepmom and stepsister, and I was floundering in school. I became a hermit. I wouldn't do laundry until it was absolutely necessary to do it, I wouldn't take out my trash until I had about 6 bags of garbage, and I would go back and forth between refusing to eat and eating everything. I was spiraling down incredibly fast.
During my time at FSU, I saw 2 therapists and a nutritionist. None of them could help me. I'm pretty sure they all decided I was a broken toy and should be sent to the island of misfits. After that I decided to move home, continue my education at a local college, and live with Briam. Despite being an amazing decision now, at the time it was the biggest struggle I had gone through.
What I had come to realize is that I'm capable of distinguishing between my rational and irrational thoughts, but I allow my irrational thoughts to overcome my mind. And there's nothing more frustrating to me then being overcome by irrational thoughts, and knowing that they're stupid, but not being able to do anything about them. It's been a long road, but every day I try to something that helps me. Sometimes they seem silly, but they work.
Here are a few different things I do to help me calm my mind:
and the one that seemed weirdest to me...
Watch scary movies
If you know me, you know I have a serious fear of death. And I'm convinced, believable or not, what happens in the movie will happen to me. Now I've only done this once, but it helped so much. Briam and I watched Mama the other night and, despite probably being annoying, I talked though my fears through the movie. He didn't say anything, maybe because he knew it was helping me, but it really did.
I was able to recognize the irrational aspects of the movie and managed to watch the whole thing.
I did have a crazy f**king dream that night. A mix of Mama, Warm Bodies, and Silent Hill... but I didn't cry or die. Winning.
I guess the point of this Motivational Monday is to know that if you take each day one at a time, things will get better. Even if therapists give up on you, you can still help yourself. My dad always told me if you want something done right, do it yourself. And that's exactly what I'm doing. And so should you.
Be motivated today. And tomorrow. But don't worry about tomorrow today.